Sunday, April 29, 2018

Thanks to my body



Dear body,


I know we've been at war for years now and I've abused you to the point that you've given up a fair few times. But I wanted to try and say how much I am starting to realise what a beautiful thing I have in you!

It started this weekend when I went swimming, I had had thoughts last week of how much me been a figure skater had adapted my body to been able to push and push and endure all sorts. It got me thinking, and I realise I've never shown much appreciation for you at all. Just hate.

Let's start with thanks for my bambinos, again I always hated you for the several miscarriages we had had. Where in fact I have always said we had fought for our children and we were lucky to get our 3. You endured so much with the whole 10 pregnancies, the losses, the labours and recovering.....and all I did was continued to push you away. You housed my beauties for 9 months (give or take) and I want to say thanks for that. I remember looking in the mirror in hospital after having Hugo (C-Section) and thinking for a 29 year old with 3 children It wasn't a bad home but then that thought went and the pain continued.

I've read an article this weekend that basically said figure skaters condition their bodies, as all athletes do, to do their job. My training became my survival tool in many ways, most of all the escape of been the girl on the ice powering through. Thanks, because without you I wouldn't have my skating. I would never have achieved my dreams, I wouldn't have my skating family and I wouldn't have had the amazing opportunities that I have had. So thank you.

Leading on from that I think it's the training as an elite athlete that has given me the ability to withstand so much crap from the anorexia and self harm. 2 heart failures, a brain tumour and other stuff at 31 isn't anything to be proud of. But the way you have coped is. It's amazing that you're still fighting when really we should have been gonners a long time ago. When staff say to me there's something in you that keeps you going (much to my annoyance when I'm in crisis), but I think the root of that something is you. I've come to realise that I am so so lucky to be fighting when so many aren't.

I thought to myself the other day while swimming that I'm starting to struggle in my old age. Vicky said she didn't know how I could still do all the things I do. After much thought it's because I was conditioned as a figure skater. Conditioned to not show my strops until I got off the ice, conditioned to fall on my arse twenty times during training, conditioned to not answer back to my coaches, conditioned to get in for curfew (most of the times), conditioned to travel round with the rest of my rink rats wearing too much stage make up and hairspray but most of all conditioned to carry on. Not saying it's all airs and graces and I've clicked my fingers and carried on just like that. But carried on physically and mentally.
So thanks to my body, and thanks for not only reaching my dreams (my kids and my skating), and thanks for enabling me to do my job as a mum and still be here.  Thank you body for not giving up on me on the times that I had.

Claire xx

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